so i’ve been super anxious lately. i don’t exactly know why, i just know that there’s been more sleepless nights, and not because of walter, but because of my racing thoughts. it’s midnight right now, and i’m on my laptop, eating watermelon (because i can’t find any chocolate) looking through photos and memories and thinking about what’s to come and what life will bring for my little family of 4.
i’m so i madly in love with my 2 boys i could just explode. they are just the most magnificent things i’ve ever seen. i can’t believe they’re mine. sometimes i actually think to myself “these are mine?? i get to keep them?? what did i do to deserve such wonderful boys??” i feel unworthy sometimes. i’ve been blessed beyond words.
that being said… sometimes it’s not all story time and picnics in meadows. sometimes it’s screaming tantrums, talking back, crying for no reason, and bodily fluids everywhere. -and then there are the kids…
sometimes i am really bad at having 2 kids. i’m not nearly as good at it as i thought i would be. there’s not much grace in my steps these days. i’m quite certain i look like a traveling circus (what i really want to say is shit show) and it’s just not coming to me as easily as i thought it would. motherhood does not always come naturally for me. i have to really try.
instagram is a lie.
this is not one of those posts where i claim to be a bad mom and hope that 200 people leave comments telling me otherwise. (and by 200 i mean the 2 people who read this blog) truthfully, it’s not that i think i’m a “bad mom” – it’s that i’m bad at being a mom, and a decent human being at the same time. usually the “being a mom” comes before the “decent human being” part. i always put my kids first, but man…do i suck at keeping on top of everything else in life. bahahaha.
walter is just the perfect little addition to our family. having him in our home and in our arms for the last 3.5 months has been magic. i love newborns. (ok, i only love my own newborns. other newborns freak me out. so small. too small!!) but i love having such a fresh soul in my home. there’s a sweetness a new baby brings to a home unlike anything else. i feel so lucky to have him.
so even though i can’t seem to keep the laundry pile under mt. everest status, there’s never a clean bottle when i need one, my car is full of empty starbucks cups, i cook the same 3 meals every week on rotation (and by cook i mean reach for the food through my car widow) and flip flops and yoga pants have become my new uniform #capsulewardrobe i’m just so grateful to have these 2 boys. i’m not always great at being their mom, but i sure will keep trying.